Advice From a Non-Brit to Non-Brits

Alright – here we go – second semester. I resolve to write more, travel farther, and to continue my unbroken streak of consuming the equivalent of my body weight in Americanos each week. To start things off, and in honor of the highly esteemed Tyler Kibbey/best friend dropping in later this week (it’s his first time in the UK) I’ve compiled a short list of need-to-knows for anyone visiting Merry ‘Ole England for the first time.

Also to be read as “Lessons I’ve Learned the Hard Way.”

1. Food Okay, plants need sunlight, Kanye needs Kim, and humans need food. Now, there are two main options you can pick between for your sustenance intake: take-out food and supermarket food. If, like me, you’re on any sort of budget, then you’ll probably want to select the supermarket option. You’re now faced with two sub-groups of stores to choose from: big supermarket stores (Aldi, Asda, and Lidl)? Or little supermarket stores (Tescoe, Spar, and Sainsbury’s)? The key thing here is to find a balance between how far you’re willing to walk and how much you’re willing to pay for a gallon of milk; the big stores have more options but are few and far in between, while the small stores are generally within a pebble’s toss of anywhere you happen to be standing – the catch is that the small stores price everything you need at twice the rates of the big stores. Still, not too difficult though, right? Yeah, the Brits didn’t think so either. Therefore, each chain carries a markedly and often wildly different selection of foods. Happy hunting.

2. Clothing Right, now that you’re fed you need something to cover up that wickedly pale skin you’ve suddenly acquired. Now I don’t know about the average non-British person, but back in the States while prepping for my own journey I asked many a traveler, “Pray tell, what do they wear in the Queen’s land?” To which I received the nearly unanimous reply, “Oh lots of black of course. Or anything dark really. Probably because of all the rain – it makes them gloomy. Just whatever you do, keep it low-key. Anything extravagant will make you stand out as an American right away.” Cheerfully, stupidly, I placed 100% faith in this advice and loaded my suitcase down with as much black apparel as I could lay my hands on. Which is why I’m pretty sure that my flatmates now think I’m a recovering high school goth or something. Yes, most people wear darker colored overcoats when they go out (due to the constant winds and classically ever-present English drizzle), and no you don’t see many bright-patterned yoga pants, but underneath that thin veneer of gloom the British are just as colorful and expressive as any number of Americans. And since Manchester is a big city, I’d even go so far as to say they express themselves more than most conservative-minded Southerners I know – prime example being the chubby white kid with a three meter electric-blue afro I pass every so often on my way to class. Basically, as long as your coat’s black and your shirt’s warm, wear whatever the hell you want.

3. Brit Speak I’ll be honest, I still haven’t quite cracked this one, but here’s what I’ve gathered so far. First and foremost, if at all possible, let them know you’re a foreigner. Otherwise they’ll slur something at you faster than Busta Rhymes with the addition of an accent thicker than mud. Eight Harry Potter films and the entire Sherlock series can’t save you now. After the Brit you’ve bumped into realizes that they’re speaking to someone with the language comprehension skills of a British toddler, the nicer ones will begin speaking v e r y s l o w l y , and the less nice ones will just give you a sad look and move on. Either way the problem’s solved, right? Anyways, British slang varies widely from city to city, but here’s some Manchesterian linguisticisms that I’ve picked up on.

• Greeting = Person 1: “Alright mate?”
Person 2: “Alright mate?”

Yeah, I know you’re not actually answering their question, but I asked a local and he said he didn’t understand it either. Just roll with it.

• Thank you = “Ta!” or “Cheers!”**

**”Cheers” seems to be usable in almost any conversation, at any point, regardless of time or circumstance, but an expression of thanks is the most common usage that I’ve seen.

• That’s it. That’s literally about all I’ve picked up of Mancunian English. The rest of the dialect seems to be made up of swears and references to drinking, but investigations are still ongoing.

4. General Tips And that more or less concludes Will’s Crash Course in British Culture. You can now eat, clothe yourself, and theoretically you possess basic levels of communication. I don’t want to spoil too much of the fun of discovery, but just in case you’re still a little anxious here’s some miscellaneous tips to ease you further into Wonderland.

• Everything is recycled in this country. Boxes, bags, bottles – trash cans, more commonly referred to as bins, are small and rarely used. You’ll probably be shot a quietly disapproving look if you trash a recyclable item in public.
• When in doubt, apologize. As many times as I’ve heard “Cheers!” in this country I’ve heard “Sorry… sorry.. so sorry..” about five times more. Try it out. Intentionally aim for and bump/crash into as many people as you can on the sidewalk and just sit back and gape as people heap on apology after apology for your mistake.
• Due to different food processing restrictions, the beef tastes wildly different here. Maybe it’s my personal taste, but a British hamburger could never come close to touching the glory that is an American hamburger. Probably because British cows aren’t made of 80% hormone injections.
• The Royal Family, the BBC networks, and tea are held in the highest regard. Mentioning Margaret Thatcher, however, will likely get you stabbed.
• A waterproof jacket trumps an umbrella. Thanks to mildly intimidating gusts of wind throughout every day of the week wielding an umbrella rapidly becomes an exercise in futility. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a wind-savaged umbrella in the street, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy a new umbrella every time I needed one.
• Persevere in conversations. British people generally aren’t going to be as talkative as the people from back home, but once you break through their outer shell they are an endlessly charming people to be around.
• Enjoy the quirkiness. Keep a stiff upper lip. Put milk in your tea and pretend to like it. You’ll do great.